First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
The uberlube is also flammable
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
MIDGETS
????
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
