So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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