There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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