he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize
