Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
