What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
