I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
