I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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