The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
