Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Just invented taco cereal.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
