i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
