Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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