She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
