ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize