I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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