He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
