I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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