Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
