can u get pink eye on your cock?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
