We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
bring money and cleavage
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
