You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Even my vagina gasped.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
