fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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