She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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