12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
