what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
