So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize