I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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