I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
