she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
