Just cropdusted the office
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
And then he peed in my hair
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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