i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
