yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Randomize
