Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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