Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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