dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
