If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
