i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
