his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
please don't ironically join a cult
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