a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Just pee around me
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
