just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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