life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Randomize
