I wish my penis had an off switch
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my liver is dry heaving
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
