Dual....:-)
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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