A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
