I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Randomize
