dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
