Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
