Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
