I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
