Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I supernannyed him into submission
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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