Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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