Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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