I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
