I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
