Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
sarcasm needs its own font
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
