I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
