We named our party play list daddy issues
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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