Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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