the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
