She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
