Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
